American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheehan, Barbara Streisand, &
Jane Fonda with you..
P. S. S. And we won't have to press 1 for English.
Mr Wall,
While I think your little diatribe has been spun with a modicum of wit (and holds true to a conservative stance even in the face of apparent ridiculousness…I mean, who really wants the rednecks?) and a flair for comedy, it really is a sad statement of where we are as a people and a nation. The fact that there still exists individuals with intelligence (and I use that term loosely) who continue to equate healthcare with luxury or compassion of the financially less fortunate with triviality is equal parts frustrating, laughable and dangerous.
Intellect fostered by education (which I would assume you would undergo in Law School...but on second thought, maybe not) should push back against the subjectivity of our station of birth and help us see beyond ourselves into the vista of objectivity and result in a healthier world-view. Instead, your letter reeks of narrow-mindedness, self-interest and hate (disguised as tongue-in-cheek humor.)
When you practice intolerance and wear your condescension like a badge, you debase yourself and all who come before and follow you. Have we really rebounded back in time to the ideologies of the cold war and the tenants of imperialism? The very reason we aren't like Iraq, Afghanistan or any other "enemy" nation to which you allude is that we have a dichotomy of thought and perspective in this country. The conservatives keep the economy running and the liberals keep our society from falling completely into the hands of immoral tyrants. It's worked so far. Hopefully, we'll be able to meet somewhere in the middle down the line where we aren't synchronously reliant on welfare and intent on forcing others on to it.
We can have a win-win economy and a win-win society, if we but simply admit the possibility of its existence. Why not focus the laser of your mind on a slightly loftier goal and worry more about how we can improve the state of affairs for all versus concerning yourself with the seat of blame?
Sincerely,
Browe W. Merriweather
Human
P.S. I also find it funny that the liberals, Obama supporters or to whomever else you allude in your letter were the very people that largely bailed out your precious wall street jackals and fatcat CEO's (wow, welfare's not that bad when you're on the receiving end, huh?)
P.P.S Yeah, that's how you write post-postscript, you donkey. Not P.S.S. Try reading books instead of burning them.
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