Couldn't Have Said it Better...So I didn't Even Try

To My Fellow Citizens, the Republicans:

Thanks to last night's vote, that child of yours who has had asthma since birth will now be covered after suffering for her first nine years as an American child with a pre-existing condition.

Thanks to last night's vote, that 23-year-old of yours who will be hit one day by a drunk driver and spend six months recovering in the hospital will now not go bankrupt because you will be able to keep him on your insurance policy.

Thanks to last night's vote, after your cancer returns for the third time -- racking up another $200,000 in costs to keep you alive -- your insurance company will have to commit a criminal act if they even think of dropping you from their rolls.

Yes, my Republican friends, even though you have opposed this health care bill, we've made sure it is going to cover you, too, in your time of need. I know you're upset right now. I know you probably think that if you did get wiped out by an illness, or thrown out of your home because of a medical bankruptcy, that you would somehow pull yourself up by your bootstraps and survive. I know that's a comforting story to tell yourself, and if John Wayne were still alive I'm sure he could make that into a movie for you.

But the reality is that these health insurance companies have only one mission: To take as much money from you as they can -- and then work like demons to deny you whatever coverage and help they can should you get sick.

So, when you find yourself suddenly broadsided by a life-threatening illness someday, perhaps you'll thank those pinko-socialist, Canadian-loving Democrats and independents for what they did Sunday evening.

If it's any consolation, the thieves who run the health insurance companies will still get to deny coverage to adults with pre-existing conditions for the next four years. They'll also get to cap an individual's annual health care reimbursements for the next four years. And if they break the pre-existing ban that was passed last night, they'll only be fined $100 a day! And, the best part? The law will require all citizens who aren't poor or old to write a check to a private insurance company. It's truly a banner day for these corporations.

So don't feel too bad. We're a long way from universal health care. Over 15 million Americans will still be uncovered -- and that means about 15,000 will still lose their lives each year because they won't be able to afford to see a doctor or get an operation. But another 30,000 will live. I hope that's ok with you.

If you don't mind, we're now going to get busy trying to improve upon this bill so that all Americans are covered and so the grubby health insurance companies will be put out of business -- because when it comes to helping the sick, no one should ever be allowed to ask the question, "How much money can we save by making this poor bastard suffer?"

Please, my Republican friends, if you can, take a quiet moment away from your AM radio and cable news network this morning and be happy for your country. We're doing better. And we're doing it for you, too.

Yours,
Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
MichaelMoore.com

So I Finally Saw Avatar...

...and I'm a bit torn. On the one hand, it was a visual smorgasborg of 3-D colors, effects and beautiful imagery, but on the other, it was an extremely predictable story that had me thinking this is Pocahontas, no wait, Star Wars, no wait, Dances with Wolves, no wait...

Now, putting aside my initial opinions of the film, should this movie be heralded as an enormous success for film? Yes definitely. Any flick that rakes in $700+B is most certainly a success. There's no doubt that Alice in Wonderland would not have had a $130+M opening weekend had Avatar not opened the 3-D IMAX door. BUT, should ticket sales determine the quality of a film? The Oscars didn't think so...and nor do I.

Oscar Shows His Sensitive Side

Is it just me or is the Oscars getting a little bit overly sentimental? There are definitely times in Oscar's past that he's been a little softie (i.e. Halle Berry, Denzel Washington, 3 6 Mafia...jk) but yesterday's winners just didn't ring true. Both in choice and acceptance speeches, last night was definitely off the mark, sincerity-wise.

Jeff Bridges' performance of a down-and-almost-out country western singer turned alcoholic battling life's demons was a great one. Unfortunately, it was lost among the empty beer cans of a watch-the-paint-dry kind of film. Still, probably the most deserving of an Oscar, this swan-song opportunity for Bridges was sadly marred by a horribly long-winded acceptance speech that made it hard to feel really good about him winning. The speech began interestingly enough with parental remembrances from yesteryear, and for a second, it seemed as if it was leading us to a rare glimpse into the formation of an acting genius...but alas, no. Instead, the usual litany of thank you's and political massages followed the disjointed beginning. I guess he got caught up in the moment of his own self-congratulation.

Maybe we should have a new Oscar acceptance rule: No thanking people we (the people) have never actually heard of...oh and #2: No thanking agents unless you're sleeping with them!

Sandra Bullock (uh, hellloooo!) Talk about a Blindside! Sandra Bullock is NOT a good actress. Not unless she's really a classically trained virtuoso pianist and highborn, English duchess in disguise. She's the same in every role she's ever played (goofy, yet kinda cute, take-no-BS-everywoman.) Just because she's in a tear-jerker biopic recounting the struggle to overcome awful circumstances by an underprivileged black kid shouldn't automatically equal an Oscar nod...didn't we already have one of those this year, anyways? Yes we did, and that nicely segues into…

Mo'Nique. And I deliberately did NOT look up the correct spelling (or capitalization) of her name, because "if you're gonna give yourself a name with silly spelling, ya better get used to having people misspell it." Now, while her acceptance speech was well-delivered, I saw Precious…and to be honest, I was a little surprised at the film's inclusion with the year's best. Raw and shocking, definitely...well-composed and engaging, not so much (though it did have one of film's worst "ulgy-fications" by way of Mariah Carey as the dowdy social worker.)

I am only slightly happier at Hurt Locker's Oscar house-cleaning (as it should, fantastic film) than shocked at Stanley Tucci's loss and perplexed by the oddball behavior (which seemed more than slightly, chemically altered) of Locker's helmsman (or more appropriately, helms-woman,) Kathryn Bigelow...wow. Go easy on the pharmaceuticals, darling. I hope it was just the shock of soundly beating Avatar on [almost] all fronts that led to her bizarre demeanor and rambling, stiff-armed-bug-eyed speeches.

All in all, this year's Oscars seemed a little flat, a little too nice, a little too appropriate. Lost from the presentation was the love and majesty of film and the prize of acknowledgement for the best of the bunch by the industry's elite. This year wasn't packed with power punch performances (God, it was hard not to put plethora at the head of that alliteration) to be sure, but there's something so disagreeable about rewarding the best of a bad lot (I wonder if this is how Bank America feels every year around bonus time.)

Where Do You Lie???

This book was recommmended to me, and after some research on it, I'm genuinely excited. Has anyone else read it? If so, let me know your thoughts!

America's GNP...lil Rush Limbaughs

America's new national export... prepubescent conservatism. Woo hoo. Touted as the next Rush Limbaugh, 14 yr old Jonathan Krohn may indeed be the new face of neo-conservatism.

Now, brushing aside the obvious political banter, I am not interested (in this post, at least) in pushing some political agenda. On the contrary, I find the far more interesting side of the story to be our nation's preoccupation with youth and the political fostering of this home schooled child. It's a little sad when the betterment of society misses out on a superior mind. And while there are a million valid reasons (at least to the people who make them) for the societal value of politics and political theory, its only real, intrinsic value comes through its social commentary; a snapshot of our current public state-of-mind. It does NOT improve it however. At the heart of politics is an extremely complicated set of practices and institutions bent on reorganizing, reinforcing, or maintaining balances of power, and the pursuit of the best practices and control over the most influential institutions is [by far] more of an American pastime than baseball ever was.

I also find it mildly ironic that the majority of this child's life is spent in pursuit of an arena of society which he can only tangentially affect (although, some would argue that speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is much more than a tangentially influential affectation.)

Never Get Pinched for a DUI Again!

I've been reading this fascinating new book, Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman. It's definitely a departure from the books I normally digest with topics schizophrenically bouncing from time travel to truth in advertising, but nestled among the intellectual [albeit done well] posturing, there is a chapter appropriately entitled, "The Best Response." Within that brief chapter, I happened on to this...

The best response to a police officer who's just asked the question "Have you been drinking tonight?"

"That's a great question, and I totally understand why you're asking it. I can see where you're coming from, sir. I realize my behavior seems a little erratic. I smell vaguely of alcohol, I'm in a motor vehicle, and it's three o'clock in the morning. It's a unique circumstance. But I'm not intoxicated. I'm distraught. I'm a hyper-emotional person who can't accept the inherent unfairness of the universe. Have you ever read Arthur Schopenhauer? You know, that dead German pessimist? He once said that the vanity of existence is revealed in the form that existence assumes: in the infiniteness of time and space contrasted with the finiteness of the individual in both; in the fleeting present as the sole form in which actuality exists; in the contingency and relativity of all things; in continual becoming without being; in continual desire without satisfaction; in the continual frustration of striving of which life consists. Crazy, right? i don't really get what he's saying. But I do know this, officer: That's how I feel all the time. And to make matters worse, I'm an insomniac. I haven't slept more than two hours in any given night since I was sixteen. that's why I'm awake right now, wandering the roadways of quasi-reality, living my wretched, vampiric existence. I suppose you could say I was suicidal, but too depressed to kill myself. And then, when I saw the rolling blue lights of your squad car in my rearview mirror, I realized that nothing I could say or do would reflect positively on my condition. The game was over. I've lost. Why fight it? I pulled over to the side of the road, depressing the parking brake, turned off my vehicle, and imbibed one full shot of Bombay gin, which I happen to keep in the glove box of my car, precisely for this type of situation. That is the alcohol you smell. in fact, it's still coating the inside of my mouth. Which also means that if you give me a Breathalyzer right now, the remnants of the alcohol will still be there, so I'll fail the test, even though I'm not intoxicated. So-- to answer your original question -- yes. I have been drinking. I've had exactly one drink tonight, thirty seconds ago, in response to the hopelessness of existence. Do I still need a lawyer?"

Please Tell Me WTF this Guy's Problem is...or does he really have a point?

After a lackluster career in the NBA and abroad totalling 13 professional teams, Paul Shirley, has taken a break from pounding the parquet to...pounding on the Haitian people.

Directly from his column:

"I haven’t donated to the Haitian relief effort for the same reason that I don't give money to homeless men on the street..." "Based on past experiences, I don't think the guy with the sign that reads 'Need You're Help' is going to do anything constructive with the dollar I might give him. If I use history as my guide, I don't think the people of Haiti will do much with my money either." (At least he waited for an appropriate time to roll out his economic and humanitarian analyses.)

But if Shirley's personal anecdotes should fall on deaf ears, he also parlayed his apathy directly to the Haitian people:

"Dear Haitians," he begins, "First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.


"As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?"

And to show that he wasn't biased towards only impoverished and down-trodden foreigners, Shirley gives his two cents on our own country's recent natural disaster:

"We did the same after Hurricane Katrina," he writes. "We were quick to vilify humans who were too slow to respond to the needs of victims, forgetting that the victims had built and maintained a major city below sea level in a known target zone for hurricanes. Our response: Make the same mistake again. Rebuild a doomed city, putting aside logic as we did."

...wow, is this guy a polymath or what?

Coincedentally, Shirley has been informed that his freelance writing skills are no longer required at ESPN. Unlike both Katrina and the recent earthquake in Haiti, we could see that one coming a long way off.